A Serious Proposal.

It can not have escaped the attention of any civilised person that one of our most revered and traditional industries has fallen on difficult times. (I call it an industry for by what other name can one now refer to what was once a sport when all joy and excitement has been removed from it; it is a business, no more.) Participants -of the right sort - are in ever shorter supply, foreign merchants call the market's tune and the engulfing blanket of political correctness smothers its noble delights. I refer, of course, to shooting. To the grand sport which above all others displays the human ascendancy over the competing species - by the simple expediency of killing them - and therefore establishes our Darwinian right to the captaincy of the vertebrates.
Many would protest that the knell of doom has already sounded, but I believe that, by linking a deficiency here with a surplus elsewhere, the sport may yet be saved, nay, brought to new heights of popularity and prosperity. The deer may have fled the moor, or have been 'humanely' culled by some curmudgeonly shekari - who in the days of glory would have been grateful to earn the minimum wage (tips included) as a part-time beater - and the grouse may be as rare as a cubic inch of tuna in a Japanese restaurant, but where one set of targets has failed, may not another be supplied?
Until very recently a certain type of person, commonly known as bankers, were ubiquitous in the lower middle classes of society. Indeed they became a great power in the world, dominating commerce and politics alike. Prominent people, of a base ilk, eagerly cultivated their acquaintance and for a while these self-proclaimed Masters of the Universe did indeed bestride the narrow world. But now, with a Malthusian inevitability, that the need to have quite so many of them has passed, can we not make use of the superfluity of their numbers by an arrangement whereby the relevant authority would issue a licence permitting the shooting of an appropriate amount of them each year.
The advantages of such a scheme are manifold, the disadvantages, that I can see, none. It might even constitute an improvement on the older form of the sport. The shooting of a magnificent red deer or a prettily feathered bird may sometimes cause a pang of conscience, but no such emotion can occur in the extermination of bankers, who are universally despised and invariably ugly. It occurs to me that a limited number of politicians could profitably be included as 'guest' targets, perhaps on a monthly basis. Their usefulness to society is exaggerated and a member of their own fraternity, David Cameron, has if anything pre-empted my suggestion by announcing his intention, should he accede to power, of substantially reducing their number.
Another advantage of transferring the sporting arena from the moor to the city could be a heightened exhilaration in the pursuit of the game itself. The shooting of an immobile deer and the extirpation of fish in a barrel afford an uncomfortable parallel, similarly the use of what is effectively a scatter gun to cover an acre of sky with shot in order to bring down a smallish bird might even provoke an accusation of unsportsmanship. With a banker as your prey such considerations do not arise for, to give the creature his due, the banker is often possessed of an animal cunning that will try the hunter's skill to the utmost, thus making for a more compelling contest in the chase and a concomitantly greater relish in the kill.
The first order of business, of course, will be to form a club, for it can be regarded as axiomatic that one cannot have simply anyone going around banging away at bankers. The establishment of a club will supply two essential elements of the sport, viz. the exclusion of those not considered by the committee appropriate to be members and the creation of a market for enrolment to the club by virtue of its exclusivity.
The social benefits of the scheme are many. The exterminated bankers will in nearly every case be extremely rich and therefore not only will a division of their spoils bring profit and pleasure to their family and friends but it may also have the effect of making the banker himself more popular in death than ever he was in life. Florists, funereal directors and monumental masons will also benefit and so it will be seen that this single event constitutes the very paradigm of utilitarianism in that will bring the greatest happiness to the greatest number.
I seek no profit in offering this enterprise to the public as I believe it is the duty of every person to supply the community with the results of whatever gifts nature and nurture has provided him. Some may find it of too visionary a turn, others might even find it unworkable, but a little ingenuity will, I feel confident, remedy any embryonic deficiencies. My reward will be if this proposal is received in the spirit of public benevolence in which it was conceived.